


tour of andoria

by dalekbarbie



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Drunkenness, Humor, M/M, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-08
Updated: 2013-03-08
Packaged: 2017-12-04 15:56:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/712473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dalekbarbie/pseuds/dalekbarbie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kirk and McCoy go to a bar and Kirk gets sloppy drunk and starts hitting on everyone who reminds him of spock. Mccoy hates his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	tour of andoria

“Bones, bones, BONES!”  
“Jim,” Leonard McCoy sighed, ignoring the small splash of whatever electric blue monstrocity Jim was currently drinking that had dribbled onto his lap. It joined a not-inconsiderable amount of cheap beer and…something green. He honestly didn’t know. Suffice to say, it was one of those nights.  
“I love this place. What’s the name of this place?” Kirk turned around, gesticulating with all the grace of an anvil. “We have to come here every day. Every time we’re at this starbase, oh my God.”  
“Mmhmm.”  
“Bones, are you paying attention to—hoooly shit. Be right back.” Kirk practically lunged off his barstool in the direction of a tall, thin, soon to be very confused woman with long dark hair. McCoy shook his head.  
“Damn fool,” he muttered, and took a slow sip of bourbon, as if anything could possibly dull the chaos of Jim Kirk sloppy-drunk. If there was, science had yet to find it, but if they ever did he’d be real damn grateful to whoever did.  
“Can I get four shots of Jameson and a pint of whatever’s on tap? Oh, hey Dr. McCoy.”  
“Rand,” McCoy nodded at the yeoman, who’d sidled up next to him to order. “Who’s all that for?”  
“Some douche in engineering bet me he could drink me under the table, God love ‘em.”  
He sighed, again. “If I end up with that douche in my sick bay tomorrow morning I will come after you, Rand. I will personally ensure that you have the pleasure of joining any away mission to an ice planet for the next year. Two if I have to wake up in the middle of the night to deal with him.”  
Rand, unswayed by his most forbidding glare, narrowed her eyes. “Take it back, or I invite Chapel to join us. Think about it. I know she’s on shift tomorrow, do you really want to do this to yourself?” A commotion from the other side of the bar distracted her. “Oh hey, you better go get the captain. I think he just threw up on some girl.”  
“Do you think or do you know? Just sayin’, I’m not getting involved in this at all unless there’s absolutely no other option.”  
Kirk had in fact thrown up, though to be fair he’d mostly missed the (now very unhappy) Reman woman he’d tried to chat up. His attempt to charm the pants off a lanky researcher stationed on Deneva had gone down in flames as well, as did his run at tall, pale and uncomfortable over by the jukebox.  
“I dunno what’s wrong with me,” Kirk mumbled, though it was hard to make out with his head in his hands against the dark wood of the bar. “I’m 0 for…”  
“Seven. I think you should call it a night.”  
“I just—I don’t get it. I’m a catch, man, don’t you think I’m a catch? And can I get another one of those blue things?”  
“As long as I’m alive, you’ll never drink another Tour of Andoria again if it makes you this damn moody. Look at yourself, Jim.”  
Kirk sat up, mostly supported by the counter. “Oh my God. I love this song. I can’t believe they’re playing it again.”  
“You’ve had the jukebox playing the same two songs all night. I don’t know whose girlfriend it is in a coma but at this point—“ McCoy broke off to drain the last of his beer “—I don’t care. You ready to get out of here?”  
Kirk moved to get up but froze like a deer in the headlights, hands gripping the stool as he tried not to fall. “Yeah, Bones, in a minute…”  
“Good God, no, you’re not gonna make a pass at anybody else.”  
“I’m usually so much smoother than this!” Kirk said, loudly enough to catch the attention of a couple two seats over who quickly moved away. That may have been due to the flailing as he said it more than to the volume, though. “He’s so hot though, come on.”  
McCoy looked over at the man in question, who had no idea he had narrowly avoided a very awkward experience. He was tall, skinny as a signpost, with hair as black as McCoy’s own heart (at least that was how Kirk had described tall, pale and awkward during one of his more expressive moments that evening.) Not usually Kirk’s type, which was weird; all tall, thin and kind of withdrawn—  
No.  
Kirk had wandered off to order another Tour of Andoria against his better judgment, which had abandoned him at least ninety minutes and four poor unsuspecting bastards ago, leaving McCoy to make a startling and terrible realization alone, one that would have been too unfathomable to contemplate if it didn’t make so much damn sense. So that was why Kirk had been acting like a middle-school girl with a crush, why he’d been trying so damn hard to prove himself, why he’d stopped flirting with everything with a pulse and narrowed his search to a very specific type who shut him down every time.  
As Kirk tried (and epically failed) to cozy up to a brunette, McCoy dragged himself off his stool with a scowl and went over to the corner where Scotty and Uhura were deep in conversation. .  
“You and Spock broke up, right?” He asked without preamble. Uhura’s eyes widened almost comically and she looked at him like he’d grown a second head. “Jesus, I’m not asking you out, which by the way’s hardly so scary, I’m just asking.”  
Scotty looked on in amusement, which was pretty much his default setting.  
“Yeah, six weeks ago, I—“  
“And would you say it was amicable?” Goddamn it, he was too good a friend.  
“Uh…yes, yeah, definitely. Why—“  
He held up a hand. “You don’t wanna know.” He pulled out his communicator and called the bridge. 

“Jim. Jim!” He yelled over the sound of The Replacements. Kirk turned around, half-empty glass in hand. The other half was on his shirt.  
“Bones, you—Spock?”  
Spock curtly nodded, practically bristling next to McCoy.  
“What are you doing here?”  
Spock looked to McCoy with the same unfathomable, damn annoying look he always had on his face. “I was told there was an emergency—“  
McCoy patted Spock on the shoulder. “Congratulations, Spock, he’s yours now. Don’t feed him after midnight and don’t do anything I wouldn’t, and if you do don’t ever tell me about it. And I do mean never.”  
“I do not understand.” Spock blushed, a faint green coloring his cheeks as he looked from a nauseatingly wistful Kirk to McCoy and back again.  
“You’ll figure it out, God help us all.” McCoy said. Two tables away, Rand’s drinking partner faceplanted on the table with an audible thud.  
“Suck it!” Rand shouted, fist in the air.  
“Oh, God,” McCoy groaned, rolling his eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> prompted by Amiss. The songs Kirk keeps playing are Girlfriend in a Coma by the Smiths and Customer by the replacements.


End file.
